Spotted in Paris attempting to purchase a Snicker’s ice cream bar.

Date of Birth:  January 30th

Gender:  William Shatner

Race:  Matt Damon

Bio:  As a young lad growing up on a farm in rural West Michigan, Cap’n Kirk was presented with the opportunity of a lifetime.  Awakening late at night to the sound of rustling in his kitchen, a 4 year old Cap’n Kirk came face to face with Lucifer himself.  Ever the cunning child and thoroughly familiar with the writings of Christianity’s most famous author: Bible, he quickly proposed to the devil that he could sell his soul for great and unlimited power!  Lucifer, not being entirely convinced a young child that looked like Matt Damon could be particularly useful (this was before the post Affleck days), told him he had to think on it a few days.  Since a few days seems like an eternity to a 4 year old, Cap’n forwent the possibility of great power and riches for simply trading his eyebrows for a chocolate pie.  Looking back on it, he should have at least got a Snicker’s ice cream bar.

Where is he now? Cap’n Kirk resides in the bell tower of a quaint Michigan City named Grand Rapids.  Reviled for his lack of eyebrows, his job is to ring the bells sounding time while remaining unseen by the populace.